Continued from here.
In March 2013, Bible study author and speaker Beth Moore held a Living Proof Live event in Greensboro, NC. This event was recorded and is now available as a Bible study called Sacred Secrets. I was riveted by the praise & worship. While I had been attending Sunday School and Bible study for years at my local church, I had not attended the worship service in a long time. (That’s another story for another time.) I had no idea how thirsty I had become for praise & worship until that event. I could not get enough!
While I don’t recall anything specific in Moore’s teaching that was earth-shattering, the Holy Spirit convicted me through that lesson. For the first time in my life, I understood that God wanted to meet with me “in the secret:” one-on-one on a daily basis. I made the life decision to tithe the first hour of my day – every day, no matter what – in one-on-one time with God.
That one decision changed my life. For the first time in my life, I actually felt loved — really and truly LOVED!!
Because of the child abuse, I had spent my entire life believing that I was fundamentally unlovable. I desperately wanted to be loved but could not trust that anyone’s love was sincere or lasting. I would simultaneously try to manipulate people into depending on me so they wouldn’t leave while also holding them at arm’s length so I would be less hurt when they would inevitably leave.
In the wee hours of the morning when I was alone with God, my heart opened up and received His love. He melted the ice around my heart and filled it with so much love and acceptance that I was actually giddy! For my entire life, I had believed that love was finite and that there was never enough left over for me. God poured an abundance of love into my heart in a way I have no words to describe. Imagine a cup filled to overflowing with love – that’s the closest I can come to describing the experience.
In June 2013, which was after only three months of spending the first hour of each day with God, I realized that my desire to die was gone. I had lived my entire adult life with an undercurrent of suicidal urges. This was such a part of who I was that I didn’t even notice it anymore … that is, until it was gone. I was blown away that God could heal this painful part of my existence so completely, and I didn’t have to do a thing to make it happen other than show up to receive His love. That’s grace.
[Graphic: Cover of Beth Moore’s Sacred Secrets Bible Study. Courtesy Amazon.com.]