Grace’s Story: Where I Was

Cartoon of Grace looking upset. Continued from here.

Less than four years ago (in February 2013), I was in crisis. From the outside, everything looked fine. I was married to a man with a stable job. I worked part-time by choice in a telecommuting position that enabled me to be extremely flexible in meeting my then-12-year-old son’s needs. I had friendships that I had invested in for years, and I was leading a Bible study through my church. On the outside, I had it all.

On the inside was another story. I was in so much emotional pain and turmoil that I could not appreciate any of my blessings. In fact, gratitude was not yet part of my vocabulary. All I could see was what I didn’t have.

As I drove to meet a friend for a weekend getaway, I was angry, bitter, and just plain worn out. I was disillusioned with God and the life He had for me. Despite completing years of therapy for healing from child abuse, I was still in pain. I hoped that getting away for the weekend would give me a much-needed reprieve. It didn’t.

After ruining my friend’s weekend with my own bad attitude, I sobbed as I headed home. As I drove over bridges, I thought about how easy it would be to drive my car into the lake and end this miserable existence of a life. After the hard work of therapy, if all I had to look forward to was continued emotional pain, I wanted out.

I had it out with God in my car as I drove toward home. I challenged Him – “Is this all there is? Is this really the life You had planned for me? Is the best I can hope for simply less pain than I used to feel? What the #$%& good is it being God if you cannot actually HEAL me?” (Yes, I had a potty mouth back then, despite leading Bible studies.) “Where is this JOY You promise?? Where is this PEACE?? If this is all You have to offer, I WANT OUT!! I don’t want to live one more day trying to survive the moment. I would rather die than have to force one foot in front of the other for one more day!!”

The next day, I challenged God to prove Himself. If He really had the power to change me, prove it! Within 24 hours of my rant in the car, I was more joyful and peaceful than I had ever been in my life. This didn’t last, but for the first time, I believed that God actually could heal me – really heal me. The question was HOW?

Continued here.

[Graphic: Cartoon of Grace looking upset. “Why me?” Courtesy Bitmoji.]