Do I Trust You, Lord?

shrugContinued from here.

While I can choose not to judge the wounded and broken, that does not prevent others from doing this to me. I have been reeling for weeks as God is healing my post-traumatic stress at a deeper level. God is allowing the iron in my soul to surface so he can heal it, and it’s a painful process. Being judged for falling short of others’ expectations when it’s taking everything within me to stand upright (or even to stand at all) has been extremely painful, and I have been struggling with how to hold onto my faith and keep believing that God is working all of this pain for good.

I am spiritually mature enough to know that there’s no Plan B – either God will come through for me, or I’ll spend the rest of my life flattened. At this stage of my relationship with God, it’s not an option to walk away from Him, nor is it an option to stop following Him. And yet the weight of the emotional pain has been unbearable for weeks, with some Christians in my life heaping judgment on me when it’s taking everything within me simply to keep getting back up. How do I keep pressing on and following God amidst all of this?

God blessed me with, which has me listening to Christian songs that blessed me all the way back in the 1980’s. One particular gem has become my anthem during this incredibly painful season in my life: Twila Paris’ Do I Trust You?

I will be graduating soon with my Master of Arts in Christian Ministry, so I particularly relate to this lyric:

I know the doctrine and theology, but right now they don’t mean much to me. This time there’s only one thing I’ve got to know: Do I trust You, Lord?”

I know the “go to” Bible verses for suffering and pain. I know that God will work this all for good. I know that God’s ways are higher than mine and that He is good. However, knowing all of this “doctrine and theology” isn’t much comfort to the wounded child inside – the little girl who experienced so much trauma and who, even after many years of therapy and healing work, is awash with deep-seated pain as God surfaces the iron in her soul to heal her. And that “doctrine and theology” isn’t helping as some Christians in my life – the very ones who should be extending me grace and praying me through this pain – are instead judging me in the place in my deepest vulnerability.

So, in the place between knowing what the Bible says and experiencing pain that threatens to break me … when the “doctrine and theology” aren’t making a difference … where is the way out? It’s found in a simple question: Do I trust you, Lord?

To be continued…

[Graphic: Cartoon of Grace shrugging her shoulders with a thought bubble showing an emoticon shrugging its shoulders. Courtesy Bitmoji.]


Extending Grace to the Wounded

blowing_heartsContinued from here.

Jesus told us not to judge lest we be judged and then went on to point out that all of us have blind spots that keep us from seeing someone else’s actions clearly. Here’s the thing that most people fail to realize: we tend to judge other people by their actions while extending ourselves grace because of the brokenness driving our actions. The reality is that we are ALL broken – that’s part of the human condition.

Let me give a specific example. When I hit puberty, I developed binge eating disorder to help me manage the emotional pain of years of severe childhood abuse. I could consume an entire bag of family-sized Dorito’s in one sitting because the act of binge eating “stuffed down” the emotional pain, giving me temporary relief. People who experienced no trauma in childhood and were raised by parents who taught them healthy eating patterns may not be able to relate to binge eating disorder. They may believe it’s just a PC way of justifying lack of self-control over food or ignorance about healthy eating. When I was 30 pounds overweight, they might have snickered as I walked by, making unkind remarks behind my back about how lazy I must be since I clearly don’t care about my body. Rather than seeing the whole picture of how my extra weight revealed very deep emotional pain, they judged my body size against their own experiences that did not include childhood trauma.

Conversely, I have never used illegal drugs. My compulsion was food, and while it made me fat, it provided me with ongoing, temporary relief from very deep emotional pain. Because illegal drugs are not a temptation for me, I could judge someone addicted to crack cocaine or meth, believing that illegal drugs should not be a temptation for them because it is not for me. When they are arrested and imprisoned for drug use, I could believe they deserve it, never realizing that the only reason I am not sharing a cell with them is because it’s not illegal to binge eat. We may share the same underlying brokenness from childhood and the same compulsion to harm our bodies to manage the pain, but because they are in prison while I am not, I could judge the same brokenness that others judge me for.

One lesson I have learned over the last month – after much pain – is that I must never judge the wounded … and we are ALL wounded. Instead, I must extend grace, even when I don’t understand. In fact, I’m frequently NOT going to understand, but I don’t need to understand the specifics to extend grace. I simply need to know that when people behave in unhealthy, unkind, or destructive ways, they are acting out of their brokenness. Brokenness needs grace, not judgment.

To be continued…

[Graphic: Cartoon of Grace blowing lots of hearts. Courtesy Bitmoji.]


Loving God More Than You Hate the Wrongdoer

i_love_you_moreContinued from here.

I have lived both the options of judgment and intercession. For decades, I lived in judgment against my childhood abusers and suffered in bondage to my bitterness. From 2013 through 2014, I prayed daily for my childhood abusers and gradually experienced healing and release from that bondage. I refuse ever to go back. I know the heavy price I have paid to live in unforgiveness, and I will never choose that path again. The cost is too high.

That’s not to say I don’t get tempted. I still do. For example, as a mother of a 17-year-old high school student, I was tempted just as much as everyone else in the country to think hateful thoughts about Nikolas Cruz. However, it all boils down to one question for me: Do I love God more than I hate the other person? If I do, I will obey God and pray for that person. And that is what I am doing – I am praying for Nikolas Cruz every morning, not because he deserves it but because I love God more than I am sickened by what he did. I refuse to sit in judgment on Nikolas Cruz, even though it is socially acceptable to do so, because I choose, instead, to intercede in prayer for him out of love for and obedience to God.

I am also mindful that I will be judged in the same way I judge others. And God does not judge based on the actions: he judges by the heart, which is a much higher standard. I know the evil thoughts I had toward my child abusers. I stand before the Father guilty of murder based on His standards. Thus, I am wise to heed His warning about not judging a school shooter when I, myself, am a mass murderer by God’s standards. As I judge Cruz, I will be judged. I choose God’s way.

[Graphic: Cartoon of Grace carrying a large heart that says, “I love you more.” Courtesy Bitmoji.]


Choosing Judgment or Intercession


Continued from here.

One reason it’s so difficult to obey God about forgiving others, despite God forgiving us so freely, is because we let our feelings and emotions drive our behavior. Obeying God is a choice, and it does not feel natural to choose to behave contrary to our emotions. Your emotions will follow your thoughts. When you choose to obey God and align your thoughts with Him, your feelings will eventually follow, which is why our hearts become tender toward those we pray for.

When someone wrongs us, we have two choices: judgment or intercession. We cannot simply ignore the wounds that the actions of others inflict upon us or those we love. Being wounded causes an emotional reaction, and we get to choose how to behave amidst the sea of emotions. Our flesh will always drive us toward passing judgment on the other person, which God tells us not to do. Rather, God tells us to intercede for that person in prayer, which is what both Jesus and Stephen modeled for us. This isn’t easy, but it really is that simple.

Joyce Meyer helped me with this. In one of her sermons, she pointed out that if you know you are going to forgive someone in obedience to God, it makes sense to go ahead and do it right away. For example, I have decided in advance that I am going to love and forgive my husband no matter what he does. So, any energy I put forth toward being annoyed with something he does is only going to make the process harder for me. Since I know I am going to forgive him, why wait? I can choose in that moment, even while he is doing something that I don’t like, to extend him grace and mercy and not to judge him. Again, it’s simple – it’s just not easy.

Whenever someone wrongs me or others, I have a choice: judgment or intercession. If I am tempted to think something negative 100 times a day, I can turn that into 100 prayers in a day for that person. This is what Jesus and Stephen modeled, and this is how I will react to others harming me if I want to be a disciple of Christ.

To be continued…

[Graphic: Cartoon of Grace kneeling by her bed in prayer under the words, “I’ll pray for you.” Courtesy Bitmoji.]


How Do We Extend Grace and Mercy While being Persecuted?

struggle_is_realContinued from here.

Please do not ever assume that anything I write about on this blog comes easily to me – it doesn’t. To quote a wise pastor, before I step on your toes with my message, God has first clobbered me with it. I lived for decades with a huge harvest of the fruit of bitterness, and I was miserable. No matter how many times I prayed for God to heal my emotional wounds from years of childhood abuse, I remained in bondage to my pain. I grew to realize that while the child abusers were responsible for the initial wounds, **I** was responsible for the wounds continuing to harm me decades after the abuse stopped. My refusal to forgive my abusers kept pouring salt into my wounds, preventing them from healing. Unless and until I chose to forgive them, I would spend the rest of my life in heavy emotional bondage.

Jesus never allowed his anger to take root and grow bitterness. Don’t assume this was easy for him. We only need to read the account of the Garden of Gethsemane to see that is not the case. What did Jesus do all night? He prayed. Prayer is the key to extending grace and mercy when someone is harming us.

Don’t think that spending the night in prayer was easy for Jesus. He was in so much anguish that he actually sweated blood. While I have never sweated blood, I have experienced other physical reactions as my flesh and spirit collided, such as when I began the process of forgiving my childhood abusers. Unlike Jesus, who knew to pray for his enemies as they harmed him, I started my own prayer journey in a sea of bitterness, and I need much longer than one night to pray my way out of it.

When your sinful nature tells you to begin obeying God “later,” don’t listen. The time to obey God is always right now. While immediate obedience might cost you one night of sweating blood, it can spare you decades of pain and bondage.

To be continued…

[Graphic: Cartoon of Grace holding her hand in a fist and saying, “The struggle is real.” Courtesy Bitmoji.]


When is it Time to Extend Mercy and Grace?

whenContinued from here.

When the Holy Spirit convicts you of sin and you repent, how quickly do you want to experience forgiveness? I am guessing that, like me, your answer is IMMEDIATELY! Once God makes me aware of a way I have wronged Him or someone else, I feel “off” and immediately throw myself before God in repentance. One of God’s greatest blessings is immediate forgiveness and restoration, no matter how far I have strayed from God’s ways. Jesus already paid the price for my wrongdoing, so justice has been served as he, who was innocent, suffered and died to enable me to “approach God with freedom and confidence” (Eph. 3:12), despite having just wronged someone.

As soon as I repent of my wickedness and return to God, the Father sees me, is filled with compassion for me, and throws his arms around me in reconciliation. How blessed I am not to have to wait a week, a month, or a year for God to work through His emotions before he will extend me grace. May I never take for granted the heavy price Jesus paid for me to experience this level of grace.

And yet, in our flesh, we don’t want to extend the same grace to those who wrong us. We want to wait until we have had time to process our feelings … or until the other person proves that s/he has changed … or until the wounds that have been inflicted upon us have healed. In the meantime, we plant seeds of anger into fertile soil of righteous indignation that produce the fruit of bitterness, even though God tells us to “get rid of all bitterness” (Eph. 4:31). The way to avoid growing the fruit of bitterness is choosing forgiveness and extending grace as soon as the wound is inflicted. It’s not easy, but it really is that simple.

How do we choose forgiveness and extend grace as the wounds are being inflicted? In the same way that Jesus and Stephen did: by praying for our enemies.

To be continued…

[Graphic: Cartoon of Grace holding up a pocket watch and asking, “When?” Courtesy Bitmoji.]


Doing Justly while Loving Mercy for Others

forgive_youA reader told me that I should not have used Nikolas Cruz as the example in my last blog series on not judging others because it is too soon – the emotional fallout of what he did is still too raw. I responded that is exactly why I chose him. After all, Jesus interceded for those who crucified him as he was dying on the cross, laboring for each breath. Likewise, Stephen interceded for those who stoned him to death as he was being stoned. Considering both modeled interceding in prayer for the wrongdoer as they were experiencing the pain of the wrongdoer’s actions, I firmly believe it is never too soon to apply God’s instructions in our lives. This blog series will focus on the timing of forgiveness, interceding for wrongdoers in prayer, and judging others.

G.K. Chesteron said…

For children are innocent and love justice, while most of us are wicked and naturally prefer mercy.”

I heard this said in a slightly different way, which stuck with me:

The innocent cry out for justice while the guilty cry out for mercy.”

When we are the wrongdoers, we seek mercy, and songs like the Sidewalk Prophets’ Come to the Table resonate deeply within us as we experience grace. We know we don’t deserve the grace that has been extended to us and deeply appreciate being spared the penalty for our wrongdoing. However, when we are innocent, we cry out for justice. We want to see the wrongdoer punished. We look at our wounds and scream for vengeance. This is our sinful nature’s worldview: mercy for me, but justice for you.

God’s worldview is the opposite: it is actually justice for me and mercy for you:

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” ~ Micah 6:8

I am to behave in a way that is just toward others while, at the same time, extend mercy to you when you harm me. This is the polar opposite of our sinful nature, which makes this very difficult to do. In fact, we are only able to live this way by depending upon God, loving Him more than we hate the wrongs that are inflicted upon us and those around us.

To be continued…

[Graphic: Cartoon of Grace with angel’s wings saying, “I forgive you.” Courtesy Bitmoji.]


How to Extend Grace

praying_for_youContinued from here.

So, now that I know that I need to stop judging other people, how do I do it? The first step is to repent. I need to recognize that judging other people is sinful and ask God’s forgiveness.

Step two is to ask God to change my heart because I know myself – without God’s intervention, I’m going to keep sinning in this area. In my flesh, I am unable to live righteously. All that has changed within me has come from God. I ask Him to intervene and then take that first step of obedience, trusting that He will equip me to do what I cannot otherwise do myself.

The third step is to replace the sinful behavior with righteous behavior. The best way I have found to do this is to pray for the person every time I am tempted to judge him or her. So, whenever I have a negative thought about another person, I immediately ask forgiveness and then pray for that person. If I have 20 negative thoughts in a day, that turns into 20 prayers for that person instead. I have learned through experience that praying for someone softens my heart toward him or her, even if it is someone I have actively hated for decades.

When I find myself struggling with having to repent of judging someone repeatedly, I remind myself that I am equally as guilty. I think about the times that I have had similar feelings in my heart, regardless of whether they turned into external actions, and thank God for forgiving me for those evil thoughts. I remind myself that I am in no position to judge anyone else.

I also ask God to let me see the person through His eyes. Every person I am tempted to judge is someone who God loves, so I ask for God to reveal to me the parts that are lovable. I have found that I can behave lovingly, regardless of my own personal feelings, by inviting God’s love for that person into my heart to flow through me and out to the other person.

The Bible says I will be judged in the same way that I judge others, so I want to “judge others” through the lens of grace. God is the judge, not me. My role is to love and extend the same grace that God has extended to me.

[Graphic: Cartoon of kneeling by her bed in prayer under the words, “Praying for You.” Courtesy Bitmoji.]


Extending Grace

welcomeContinued from here.

Now, let’s return to the table of grace. You are seated at the table with Jesus, who has forgiven all of your sins and set you free from who you used to be. Jesus has nailed all of your wrongdoings to the cross, taken your place in judgment, and invited you into a restored relationship with God at his table of mercy. And then Nikolas Cruz walks up, asking if the seat next to you is available for him. What is your response?

My flesh wants to scream no, but my spirit says yes – not because I want to extend grace, but because God loves him. Jesus died for him! Who I am to deny grace to someone God loves?

I don’t want to be like the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18, who was shown mercy when he was unable to repay 10,000 bags of goal but then refused to extend that same grace to the person who owed him 100 silver coins. Instead, I want to be like the woman with the alabaster jar of perfume who recognized the depth of her own sin and fully appreciated the enormity of the grace she had received. May I never again take for granted the heavy price Jesus paid to free me from my debt!

The best way for me to show God my appreciation is to love the people he loves, which includes the unlovable, just as I was once unlovable. I need to stop judging people through the plank in my eye and, instead, allow God to remove the plank so I can see clearly. Once the plank is gone, my focus shifts from the sawdust in someone else’s eye to the wounds caused by the sawdust that God wants to heal. I stop seeing the sawdust and, instead, see the person who Jesus loved enough to die for. I stop seeing the actions and start seeing the person.

To be continued…

[Graphic: Cartoon of Grace peeking over a sign that says, “You’re welcome.” Courtesy Bitmoji.]


Room at the Table

tableContinued from here.

I know this topic is a tough one, but I hope you’ll stick with me and be blessed.

In my last blog entry, I asked whether Nikolas Cruz, accused of killing 17 people in a school shooting, is welcome at Jesus’ table of grace and concluded that he is. My flesh rebels against this thought because it wants to be the judge. However, as I discussed in my blog entry, in Jesus’ eyes, I am equally guilty of murder, despite never having physically murdered anyone, because I have hated my child abusers in my heart. My flesh points out that 17 people are dead because of Nikolas Cruz while all of my abusers continued to live their lives, so my judgment is that he is guilty while I am not. However, God is the judge, not me, and He finds me equally guilty. Thus, all of the negativity that I and the rest of the country want to pour onto Nikolas Cruz appropriately belong on my shoulders as well.

I’m not exploring this topic to make myself feel badly. Just the opposite – I want to celebrate the height, depth, width, and breadth of God’s grace! Even shooting up a school and killing 17 people is not beyond the reach of the grace of God! Pause and let that soak in. Even something as heinous as slaughtering 17 people, most of whom where students, is not beyond the grace of God. God’s grace is bigger!

No matter what you have done, how many people you have hurt, or how badly you have destroyed your life, God’s grace is bigger! There’s a seat at Jesus’ table for you, even after all you have done. There’s nothing you can ever do – truly NOTHING – that is bigger than the power of God to forgive, heal, and restore you. Even the most despicable actions cannot overshadow the grace of God. Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross paid for it all – even that!

To be continued…

[Graphic: Cartoon of Grace standing in front of a table, looking unsure. Courtesy Bitmoji.]