Continued from here.
Since I made the life decision to stop asking God why, my suffering has become simpler – not easier, but simpler. When I ask God to give me answers that I am incapable of understanding, I grow confused. In that confusion, I question whether God really loves me. This places me in a tug-of-war with the Source of my comfort. I pull Him closer as I seek comfort and healing but, at the same time, I push Him away in my frustration and anger at not understanding why. Push and pull. Push and pull.
Since I stopped asking God why, I have removed the barrier that drives me to push Him away, enabling me to hold Him close as I pour out my soul to Him. The suffering is not lessened, but it’s also not compounded by conflicting feelings toward the only One with the power to strengthen me as I walk through places I don’t want to go.
My go-to song has become Twila Paris’, Do I Trust You?:
The question is not whether I understand why God is allowing me to suffer. There’s no answer in that moment that’s going to make me welcome the pain. Instead, my question is whether I trust Him. Will I trust Him when I’m wrongfully terminated from my job? Will I trust Him when I’ve prayed for my loved one 1,000 times but he’s still suffering? Will I trust Him when I’ve done everything I know to do, but I see nothing changing in my circumstances? Will I trust Him when absolutely nothing about my situation makes sense?
I have resolved that my answer is yes, not because I feel like trusting God but because I choose to trust Him. I sing along with Twila Paris at the top of my lungs until I push through my resistance and sense God’s comfort infusing me with peace that surpasses all understanding:
I will trust You, Lord, when I don’t know why.
I will trust You, Lord, til the day I day.
I will trust You, Lord, when I’m blind with pain.
You were God before, and You’ll never change.
I will trust You.
I will trust You.
I will trust You, Lord.”
To be continued…
[Graphic: YouTube video of Twila Paris’ Do I Trust You?.]