Continued from here.
I wonder if perhaps I am so confident that I would (and have) stand up against group wrongs specifically because of my deep awareness of my propensity to do evil if I follow my sinful nature. I have no illusions about being a “good person.” I am painfully aware of the wickedness inside of me and that it’s only through God that I am able to choose a different path. I do not “do good” because it comes naturally to me: I “do good” because I love God! It’s a choice I make in spite of how I feel.
I am just as selfish as everyone else and perhaps even more so because of my painful history. Pain naturally turns our focus inward and keeps us thinking about ourselves – about how others have wronged us, how we deserve to be treated better, etc. I endured an enormous amount of emotional pain throughout my childhood because of the child abuse, and I grew into a bitter, self-focused woman who justified my own selfish and rude behavior as a result. I lived in “death” for decades, and I never want to return to that mindset.
The antidote to living a self-centered life is submitting to God’s authority and making my choices based upon how He says to live, and nothing about the Christian lifestyle comes naturally to me. It does not feel natural to spend the first hour of my day with God … or to defer my preferences to the people around me … or to pray blessings over people who harm me. None of this comes naturally or easily to me – it’s all a choice, and I choose it because I love God, not because I am good.
Now, here’s the really cool part – As I make the choice over and over to live life God’s way rather than my own, the Christian lifestyle becomes easier. For example, I have been tithing the first hour of my day to God every morning for over 4.5 years, so it now feels natural to start my day with God. In fact, it would not even cross my mind not to do so any longer. This is not because I am “good” – it is because I have been obedient in this area for so long that tithing the first hour of my day to God has become my “new normal.” It is now a habit.
The same applies to forgiving those who hurt me. I used to stew and complain about it – now, I pour my hurt out to God and prayer for them. As this has become my habit, I don’t find my feelings getting hurt very often. I choose not to take offense, and because I have already decided I am going to forgive everyone who hurts me, I don’t bother putting energy into negative feelings toward them.
To be continued…
[Graphic: Cartoon of Grace looking at herself in the mirror and asking, “Why am I the way that I am?” Courtesy Bitmoji.]